Subject: ОФФ: приличные "лингвистические" анекдоты
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer and a...........packet of crisps, please". The barmans asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear replies, "Dunno, I was born with them!" |
A: TOM! You know you can't sleep during the meeting! B: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could. |
Gender-based Language An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. |
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link 21.02.2007 13:27 |
Про блондинок отлично (: |
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I`m a 6` tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What`s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she`s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she`s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I`m gonna have to explain it five times." |
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link 21.02.2007 17:38 |
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man. "Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you". "And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot. The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!" Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!" Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!" |
2 Translucid Mushroom Blonde on the Run A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. |
To Translucid Mushroom-2 In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful blonde wearing a As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends”. |
2 Translucid Mushroom-3 Chairman of the Board Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. |
2 Translucid Mushroom-4 Coffee, No Cream A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." |
BLONDE TERMINOLOGY Anally — occurring yearly Artery — study of paintings Bacteria — back door of cafeteria Barium — what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel — letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section — district in Rome Cat scan — searching for kitty Cauterize — Made eye contact with her Colic — sheep dog Coma — a punctuation mark Congenital — friendly D&C — where Washington is Diarrhea — journal of daily events Dilate — to live long Enema — not a friend Fester — quicker Fibula — a small lie Genital — non-Jewish G.I. Series — soldiers' ball game Grippe — suitcase Hangnail — coat hook Impotent — distinguished, well known Intense pain — torture in a teepee Labour pain — got hurt at work Medical staff — doctor's cane Morbid — higher offer Nitrate — cheaper than day rate Node — was aware of Outpatient — person who had fainted Pap smear — fatherhood test Pelvis — cousin of Elvis Post operative — letter carrier Protein — favouring young people Rectum — damn near killed 'em Recovery room — place to do upholstery Rheumatic — amorous Scar — rolled tobacco leaf Secretion — hiding anything Seizure — Roman emperor Serology — study of knighthood Tablet — small tablet Terminal Illness — sickness at airport Tibia — country in North Africa Tumor — an extra pair Urine — opposite of you're out Varicose — located nearby Vein — conceited |
2 essieChairman of the BoardА вот это действительно хороший анекдот, хоть и не лингвистический. :-))) |
Now лингвистический: HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE Ingredients: cup of water, 1 tsp of baking soda, 1 cup of sugar, 1 tsp of salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large egg nuts, 1 bottle of Vodka, 2 cups of dried fruit Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. CHERRY MISTMAS!!! |
IRISH PROSTITUTE An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her: |
Lonely Old Woman An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned Scroll down... The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead) |