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WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN

ADORABLE Wetter than Pamela Anderson's swimming costume. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives.
CURVY Fat. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. This girl is more pint glass than hourglass.
VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her.
BUBBLY Fat AND annoying. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects.
CUDDLY Morbidly obese. A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility.
BBW Stands for 'big, beautiful woman'. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful.
SIZE 10 In Uzbekistan. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story.
FIERY Psychotic. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts.
VIVACIOUS Aggressive. An opinionated finger-jabber. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat.
GREAT PERSONALITY Ugly as sin. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag.
ARTISTIC Drama Queen. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences.
ATHLETIC AND TONED Flat chested and shapeless. A sexless, lumpless and bumpless Tomboy.
AGE 34 Age 43. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet. It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure.
PLAYFUL Hussy. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn.
GIRLY Thick. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow. She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day.
I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported.
CHALLENGING High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY Frump. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders.
LOYAL Stalker. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE Gold digger. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis.
HONEST No social skills. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head.
SENSITIVE Cry baby. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces.

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1. She never expects any material gifts and appreciates those she receives.
2. You know you can be honest with her without constantly worrying about hurting her feelings.
3. She has no hidden agenda.
4. She trusts you and won’t always question your every motive.
5. Conversation with her is meaningful — never just to fill awkward silence.
6. And with her, no silence is ever really awkward.
7. She finds pleasure in doing things for you.
8. She’s transparent.
9. For every question you may have, she has an answer and never feels uncomfortable discussing things you may be concerned with.
10. She understands the “team” aspect of relationships.
11. You never feel pressured to have “plans” with her; just being together is enough — regardless of where you end up.
12. She’ll end it before she breaks your heart.
13. What you see is what you get — and then some.
14. She’s genuinely fascinated in the things you are.
15. She values your companionship first.
16. You find pleasure in doing things for her.
17. When she says she’s “fine” – she means it. She isn’t just fishing for a response.
18. She doesn’t feel the need to play the victim in order to get what she wants.
19. She never tries to be “chill.” She’s just easy going.
20. She doesn’t sweat the details and won’t beat herself up when stressed.
21. Her goals aren’t pipe dreams, and she knows how to attain them.
22. You never feel inclined to act like anyone but yourself around her.
23. She’s rarely bored, and when she is, she won’t try and create drama just to pass the time.
24. She knows life is full of peaks and valleys and focuses her attention toward pushing it along.
25. She understands the importance of “me” time.
26. Apologies aren’t a big deal in her mind.
27. She also knows apologies don’t always mean somebody’s wrong.
28. She won’t lose sight of her own worth while valuing yours.
29. She doesn’t get jealous when you interact with other people. She “gets” it.
30. She rubs off on you, not in the sexual way (but also in the sexual way).
31. She has her own interests. You aren’t the only thing she’s about.
32. She doesn’t see the point of “having the last word.”
33. She understands life is full of curveballs, and when things come up, she doesn’t hold them against you.
34. She has no ulterior motives. You know exactly where she stands.
35. She looks to avoid confrontation and values being happy more than being right.
Being “uncomplicated” isn’t just being simple or easy going, though. It’s about maturity.