Subject: ОФФ: приличные "лингвистические" анекдоты
|
Subject: From the mouths of babes.... The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burned to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah". 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 11. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. 17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. NOTE: I've got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!! |
|
link 21.02.2007 19:17 |
In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The "Gazette" regrets the error. Last week Toronto policemen buried one of their own - a 22-year-old constable shot with his own revolver in a solemn display of police solidarity rarely seen in Canada. One witness told the commissioners that she had seen sexual intercourse taking place between two parked cars in front of her house. |
|
link 21.02.2007 19:20 |
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Junior: You said it was my lunch money. Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". |
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store? A: They are both 10 a screw! Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? |
|
link 21.02.2007 19:53 |
A guy just gets a job at a porn shop. His boss tells him that he is going out for lunch and asks if he can handle the shop. The guy says sure. A couple minutes later a brunette walks in and asks how much dildos are. The guy says we have 4 dildos, each are $35. So she picks one, pays, and leaves. A redhead walks in and again, asks the man how much dildos are. The man tells her. She picks one, pays and leaves. A blond walks in... She also asks how much dildos are. The man says again both dildos are $35 each. She says well how about that one up on the shelf. The man says that’s a very special dildo that will cost you $150. She says I'll take that one. Five minutes later the boss comes back and asks how the guy did and he says well I sold 2 dildos for $35 and your thermos for $150 |
|
link 21.02.2007 20:04 |
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Effective January 1, 2007, penises will be taxed according to size as follows: 10"-12" Luxury Tax 8"-10" Pole Tax 5"-8" Privilege Tax 4"-5" Nuisance Tax Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes? |
|
link 21.02.2007 20:22 |
|
link 22.02.2007 7:50 |
Уникальная ветка: начавшись в понедельник с ответа Precious "идите во-о-о-о-он-вон туда, там вам всё будет", она была обречена на провал, но, глядите-ко, дотянула до четверга, который на этой неделе исполняет роль пятницы, а по дороге успела обрасти множеством плодов (сладких, кислых и перчёных, ярких новых и сразу старых сморщенных) — мягко улыбнуть одних форумчан и буйно разоржать других, более хохотливых. При этом никто не дрался (чесались руки погавкаться с распространителями американского фольклора про блондинок, но фольклор прикольный.. лана, пусть живут), не ругался, все друг друга любили и хвалили. Спасибо, мультитрановцы: вы такие хорошие и шутки юмора у вас смешные! |
hmm... Mongi still wants MORE!:) |
|
link 22.02.2007 11:04 |
Want more? So listen up... Once upon a time And I want more out of life than stupid jokes Listen to the sound And you can deny it's true So fucked 'cause I don't know either (Sicko - When To Quit) Навеяло... |
|
link 22.02.2007 11:05 |
Naughty boy... Как справедиво заметил Mr. Boggus, не все истории можно опубликовать (к сожалению). Задача определенно усложняется. А вообще, это редчайшее явление, чтобы в одном месте и в одно и то же время оказалась парочка таких отъявленных и отвязанных провокаторов, как Монги и risu! :-))) |
|
link 22.02.2007 11:37 |
Поспорили однажды англичанин, француз и русский, чей язык лучше… англичанин: наш язык лучше всех, на нем разговаривает весь мир, это же международный язык, язык дипломатов!!!! француз: да, но сможете ли вы так красиво объяснится в любви, как это можем мы на французском? русский: да…., а можете ли вы придумать и рассказать историю в которой бы все слова начинались с одной буквы? А я могу! Назовите любую букву!!! (А),(Ф): нуууу, например буква “П” Задумался русский. Ну, слушайте! Порутчик пятого пехотного полка Петр Петрович Петров получил по почте письмо. Пишет подруга, Полина Поликарповна. “Петр Петрович! Приезжай погостить, посетим полузабытый полузаросший пруд, погуляем, порыбачим.” Петр Петрович прикинул, “Приеду!” При этом прихватил полуистертый полевой плащ, подумал: “Пригодится!” Полина Поликарповна, по по поводу приезда Петра Петровича, приготовила пирогов, поставила поллитра “Померанцевой”. Посидели, поговорили, повспоминали, прослезились. Полина Поликарповна предложила прогулятся, посетить полузабытый полузаросший пруд. Пошли, прогулялись. Петр Петрович притомился, предложил полежать, при этом подстелил полуистертый полевой плащ, подумал: “Пригодился!” Полежали, повалялись, повлюблялись. После, Петр Петрович поднялся, привычно подтянул помятые панталоны. “Прощай, Полина Поликарповна !” “Прощай, Петр Петрович! Приезжай почаще проказник!” |
2langkawi2006: "... в одном месте и в одно и то же время оказалась парочка таких отъявленных и отвязанных провокаторов, как Монги и risu!" U do know one of the meanings of the word "monger", don't u?:))) |
|
link 22.02.2007 11:48 |
Только теплоход тронулся - туман. Туристы тревожатся, тоскуют: так тормознули! Теряя терпение, теребят Тортева: "Тимофеич, типа того... туман! Теперь точно туру труба!" Тортев тронул тельняшку: "Туман - тьфу! Таких туманов тут - тьма! Тягаться - так тягаться!" Темнело. Туман тормозил теплоход, Тортев теплоход тянул. Так тягались: там туман, тут Тимофеич. Троссы трещат, трюм трясет. Трудна, терниста трасса теплохода. Тайфуны теплоход терзают, туманы тормозят. Теплоход - транспорт тихоходный, только Тортев теплоход торопит. Тут труд требуется, талант тоже. Таков теплоход: туристам - танцы, тусовки, Тортеву - терпение, труд, тревоги, туманы, тайфуны. Трусам тут тяжело. Трусам теплоход - табу. Талисман теплохода - толстый Тишка. То тут, то там тихонько топает, трётся, тянется - тигр! Туристы Тишку тискают, Тишка тактично терпит. Тишка - тоже турист. Так тысячетонный теплоход тихо тащится туманными трассами. Тут тонут только "Титаники". Теплоход Тортева - твердыня. |
|
link 22.02.2007 11:51 |
Вот еще классный, но это уже целая новелла. Правдивый (или не очень) рассказ, © Kirill Veselago (1998). All rights reserved. |
|
link 22.02.2007 12:07 |
В тему просто, без обид и наезда, господа, а как вам старая шутка про то, что "Женщины-переводчики не переводчики, а мужчины-переводчики не мужчины"? |
это разве шутка??? Я думал - доказанный факт. |
|
link 22.02.2007 12:30 |
Плюс сюда же пять копеек от Гейне, о том, что "Перевод, что женщина - когда она красива, то неверна, когда верна - то некрасива" |