Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don’t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its oxymorons, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee
be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible. However, when the lights are out, they are invisible. Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw
nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his suppah and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem hisself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued......"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da third day, I could see a little bit out
of my left eye."

At a British toast-making club. All raise their glasses and somebody cried out:
“Our Chairman, please! Sir John, please say a toast!”
Sir John stands up, ponders a second and solemnly announces: “To the most sacred place of women!”
All roar with pleasure and drink it up. The festivities continue all through the night, and all continue praising Sir John.
Next morning Sir John’s wife wakes him up: “I say, my friends called me this morning saying you made a most interesting toast at the club yesterday. What was it “the most sacred place of women”, tell me?”
Sir John mumbles: “I meant our holy church”.
Sir John’s wife: “Oh, that, but it seems that all thought it was something else… OK but I insist that I come to the club tonight with you”.
So in the evening she appeared in the club together with Sir John. All are seated and somebody cries out: “Mr. Chairman, Sir John. Please start the evening with your toast.” All cry out: ”Yesterday’s toast, please yesterday’s!”
Sir John’s wife snatches a glass, stands up and says: “Gentlemen, I have to make a correction about yesterday’s toast. I want you to know that Sir John was in that place just twice in his life: once at our wedding and the second time at the birth of our daughter. And moreover, gentlemen, I have to admit, not to the end!”