За день до того президент ЮАР Табо Мбеки (Thabo Mbeki) провёл переговоры с управляющим директором компании Anglo American PLC Тони Трааром (Tony Trahar) с целью уладить разногласия.

source: http://www.africana.ru/news/2004/09/040924_yuar.htm

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer)

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

Tokyo hotel:
It is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please not read this notice.

Tokyo car rental firm:
When passenger with heavy foot is in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Japanese hotel　＃1:
Cold and Heat: If you want to condition your room, please control yourself.

Japanese hotel　＃2:
You are invited to take advantage of the women who are employed to clean rooms.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap And said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young Prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in yon castle
With my Mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,
Over a dinner of lightly sauteed frog's legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so".

An American in London (actually hates it).
An Englishman:
- First time here?
A: - Yep.
E: - Do you like London?
A: - I hate it.
E: - C'mon. What about Piccadilli Circus?
A: - A piece of shit.
E: - Mmmm... Our lovely Trafalgar Square?
A: - Hate it...
E (thinking about things which are most dear to him): - What about our cutie pets?
A: - I f**** them
E: - Shakespeare?
A: - I f**** him
E: - Royal Family? Our Queen?
A: - I f*** your royal family and I f*** your Queen!
E: - You f*** our Queen?
A: - Yep, i f*** your Queen every day.
E: - You f*** our Queen every day? Hello, Your Majesty

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."

"The funeral director," said his wife.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back. Finally the head decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.