link 19.02.2007 7:09

Subject: ОФФ: приличные "лингвистические" анекдоты

link 19.02.2007 10:53

Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

risu ✉

link 19.02.2007 10:57

A Midwesterner arrives in Boston for business, and decides that while he's in town he should try some of the seafood for which New England is famous. So he gets into a taxi and asks the driver, "Where can I get scrod around here?" And the taxi driver responds, "A lot of people ask that, but you're the first to use the pluperfect subjunctive."

knorb ✉

link 19.02.2007 10:59

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

risu ✉

link 19.02.2007 11:06

32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men:

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient."
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.

Coleen Bon ✉

link 19.02.2007 11:09

Зажигалочки... Добавлю от себя, из коллекции, скажем так...

Van Gogh's Relatives

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ... Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ...Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ...Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ... Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt..Vira Gogh.
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ...Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ...Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative ...Grin Gogh
The nephew that drove a stage coach ...Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle ...Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ...E. Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits ...Mang Gogh
And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking ...Whey Too Gogh
His bouncy young nephew ...Poe Gogh
His Disco-loving sister ...Go Gogh
And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ... Winnie Bay Gogh

********

The following are some of the winners in a New York Magazine contest, in which the rules were: take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language, change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, and then provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle?

IDIOS AMIGOS. We are two wild and crazy guys from south of the border.

COGITO, EGGO SUM. I think, therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS. The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID. Honk if you're Scottish.

POSH MORTEM. Death styles of the rich and famous.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO. Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS. I am three years old.

FELIX NAVIDAD. Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE. Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE. I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO. A fast retort.

ALOHA OY. Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you
should never know.

MAZEL TON. Tons of good luck.

APRES MOE LE DELUGE. Curly and Larry got wet.

SAVOIR FAIRY: That moment when you realize the Tooth Fairy is your dad.

DE FICTO: We made that up.

DE FARTO: Everyone's getting off the elevator at the next
floor.

LAISSEZ CAIRE: Exiting Egypt.

CINCO DE MANO: I have five fingers

***********

EuroEnglish
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should
eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer
...
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!

***********

Chinese for the mentally challenged
First the chinese phrase... followed by english translation.

AI BANG MAI NE
I bumped into the coffee table
CHIN TU FAT
You need a face lift

DUM GAI
A stupid person

HU FLUNG DUNG
Which one of you fertilized the field

SUM YUNG DUK
The duck was tender

JAN NE KA SUN
former late night talk show host

LAO ZE SHO
Gilligans Island

LAO ZI
not very good

LIN CHING
an illegal execution

MOON LAN DING
a great achievement of the american space program

HU YU HAI DING
We have reason to believe that you are harboring a fugitive

WAN BUM LUNG
A person who smoked to much and now needs help breathing

TEN DING BA
are you the bar tender?

WAI YU SHAO TING?
theres no reason to raise your voice

SHAI GAI
someone who is bashful

WA SHING KA
are you cleaning your car?

WAI SO DIM
are you saving on electricity?

TAI NE BAE BE
small infant

TAI NE PO NE
a little horse

risu ✉

link 19.02.2007 11:13

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."

risu ✉

link 19.02.2007 11:15

Essentialist Explanations
11.1st edition

This page comprises a list of 794 "essentialist explanations" of the form "Language X is essentially language Y under conditions Z". I have edited some entries for uniformity, clarity, or good English. The entries are grouped for convenience rather than correctness. In particular, fictional languages belonging to actual language families are grouped with their natural language relatives. New contributions are solicited, especially for American and African languages. No flames, please.

"[We] do but jest, poison in jest, no offence in the world." --Hamlet

http://mercury.ccil.org/~cowan/essential.html

langkawi2006 ✉

link 19.02.2007 11:38

“нагло-американские калолицые" следует читать "англо-американские коалиции".

risu ✉

link 19.02.2007 11:46

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

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